like ships in the night [ rabbit ]

truthfully, he doubted that rabbitwind would ever understand his reasons. the reason he had to leave now like this. the reason he had to push rabbitwind away and protect him from afar. but to rabbitwind this was just some cruel good-bye. it was forever. ashenflight meant it as everything but. he would come when he was needed but only when a threat to rabbitwind's life was there. until that moment he had to stay away because being close would only bring the feelings back. the feeling of having rockstep. that tom had broken the walls slowly that had been placed when their father had left and taken the pain away. he'd given ashenflight to courage to develop a friendship with rabbitwind and even doveheart. it had been a strange feeling but while it lasted felt... normal. well... normal enough. 

and after his death the need to stay away returned. the need to protect from a distance came back and left all those around him with an immeasurable amount of pain. but probably none worse than ashenflight. it was he who had to live with the distance. who had to live with the guilt of those words that he had dared say to push them away. the hatred in their hearts that they wanted to convey onto him. and there was no one to blame here but ashenflight and his need to do his duty - to protect his family. that way should anything happen... should he fail or fall in that task they would not know the pain of loss because they'd never truly had him. 

in ashenflight's twisted mind, it all made sense. it fit better than a jigsaw puzzle. it proved that he was.... that he may have been... could have been... should have been right. there was always the doubt and knowledge that maybe this was not the way to go. that pushing so hard would only leave him broken and destroyed at the end. but until the damage began to show he would believe everything was all right. little did he know the damage was all ready done. he was not all right. he just told himself he was because that was easier than asking for the help to repair his broken self. 

rabbitwind spoke and it slowed his steps to an inch, then a crawl, and finally to a stop. but he did not speak. not at first. he just let the words wash over him. "not a coward." he whispered before raising his voice to a firm one. "that's the difference between dad and i, rabbitwind. i'm not really gone. i'm still here. and i'll live with my choice staring me in the face for the rest of my life. he ran from the memory." he did not bother turning around but instead just stood there, listening to the anger in rabbitwind's voice. he willed it to power him to continue to move. but instead it did the opposite. it left him immobile. beneath that anger was pain. so much pain. he knew... because he'd been there before. when their father had left, when rockstep had died, and now. when it was his turn to walk away. 

"do not speak of things which you do not comprehend, rabbitwind."

how he wanted to assure his brother that things would be all right. knowing he was causing this pain the way his father had only made ashenflight tremble with guilt. he stood there with his back turned, muscles tensed and body shaking horribly. how could he walk away from his brother? what is wrong with me, rockstep? why... why am i this way? a tear started at the corner of his eyes and suddenly the pain turned to energy, fueled his muscles and the cat that had been shaking so violently was moving. 

"just stay away. leave me be. it's for the best." his words were so broken, so pain filled. but it was not the words that should have gathered rabbitwind's attention. it was the distress, the sound of sadness, of frustration, of tears on his voice. and without a single word more ashenflight propelled himself as far and fast as his legs would carry him. he did not look back, did not dare. if rabbitwind followed he didn't want to see. rabbitwind couldn't see him like this. he had to keep running. so when he reached the pond he did not stop but instead leaped across the thinnest part of the water and through the reeds. they rustled behind him but that did not seem to stop him. he ran right to the border of hillclan and the loner lands and nearly fell on his face when he attempted to stop himself from crossing. he stood there staring past the border, wondering if it was worth it... if running now would bring him back later... if he could bring himself back later. it didn't seem likely but maybe it could happen... maybe. 

the gray brute's ears were pricked, waiting for sound. but he prayed rabbitwind had not followed because then he only had run way to run. and that was away.